"I'm not scared of lions, tigers and bears but I'm scared of loving you"- Jasmine Sullivan
I'm finding it hard to even write this particular blog. Being vulnerable is very hard for me. Almost didn't write this and I was almost going to get rid of this blog. I was trying to avoid this one. I had an excuse and everything. But something inside keeps reminding me that this is what this blog is for....having victory over the things I'm a afraid of! I am battling right now. Can't even type this without tears...
We all start off as little kids trusting everyone. When you're a kid, you never imagine the world being so cold. You never imagine that people who say they love you will hurt you the most, manipulate you and smile in your face. You never imagine that you will be the one giving love, but only to get nothing in return. As the years have gone by and as I experience life, I thought I was getting over those hurts. I was smiling, I was happy, and ready to love! I didn't realize that I was building walls through life's experiences and becoming bitter. No one was really able to get to my core, my heart of hearts. I created tests in my mind that people didn't know they were taking. I cut people off with no problem. You hurt me and YOU...ARE...OUTTA...HERE!! I think my parents play a part in my perspective as well. They were very social but didn't have any close friends. I remember crying to my father when I was a little girl because a "friend" was being mean to me and he said, "family are your friends, you don't need any friends." Didn't realize it then but maybe that was coming from a place of hurt and bitterness. I'm sure he had been hurt and that was him talking behind his walls. I remember almost giving that same advice to my 12 year old niece but stopped myself from planting the seed. I have been living with this wall for a couple of years now. I haven't wanted to love anyone new. I barely wanted to be vulnerable to the people I love. My husband became the only person I trusted. He somehow opened up my heart, and is very trustworthy. If you knew him you would trust him too! He is amazing! Loving him made me curious to what other love was out there for me.
As we all have, I experienced hurt from friends through the years and the final brick to complete the construction of my wall was laid down a couple of years ago. I met a young lady who seemed interested in building a friendship we became close and one day she just stop talking to me... just stopped talking to me. No explanation...nothing. I reached out to her and apologized for whatever I did but never heard from her again. I didn't know what I did to make her totally cut me off which really hurt me to the core. I felt like something was wrong with me. I was broken. I didn't know what I did. If I knew what I did then I could fix it and move on. So I have been carrying that for years not wanting to get close to anyone because I didn't know if I was going to do anything to make people run away like she did. So I closed up and have been keeping it surface with people. I don't say what I really feel anymore because I don't want to be misunderstood. Hey I had my best friend and my husband and forgot about everyone else because they were the only ones outside of family I trusted. That seems okay, but I know there is more to this life than living behind our walls, peeking over and talking to people, having dinner and going shopping over brick walls. Try hugging someone with a brick wall in front of you!
January 12, 2013 ...things began to open up for me, when I heard an awesome preaching anointed young lady along with her best friend speaking at a young adult conference I went to. This young lady said, "there are some connections in your life where it is absolutely imperative for the fullness of who God has you to be to come forth. All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose Romans 8:28, and when we are called according to his purpose their are some key relationships that the Lord has for us to make so who he has called us to be will spring up and for us to live and be in the fullness of what he planned to be from the beginning." That statement started to chip at my wall. It resonated with me so much the fact that God has certain people who are destined to be in our lives to help us be who God created us to be. There are situations in life that will distract you from the people who are destined to be in your life, to show you something greater, to be your biggest cheerleader, to pray for you when you are sick, to encourage you and let you know it's going to be alright and to add to your life...not just take away. How unfortunate would that be if I just lived behind my fear of vulnerability? I want to get out! I want to tear down these walls and let people on to the other side with me. Walls are safe but I don't wanna be safe! I wanna be wise, take risks as well. I want to choose my friends and the people I allow in my circle of trusted friends.
For so long I have been hiding behind this wall, afraid to get hurt! I will not let fear keep me from meaningful awesome relationships! I want to love hard and be open to it. I wanna tell everyone I love how much I love them, show them my weaknesses, but it's so much easier said than done!
My challenge is to start with the people I'm close to and tell them how much I appreciate and love them, to let them know the things I keep to myself. And I also want to be open and willing to be ready for whoever is meant to be in my life. I don't want to turn anyone away that is meant to be in my life for a season or a lifetime and if I get hurt in the process, as the great William Shakespeare beautifully wrote :
“If you love and get hurt, love more. If you love more and hurt more, love even more. If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more...”
