Mommy Dearest

Meet Fear # 4 My Mommy 

 I remember being in her arms on her lap and never wanting to leave that place, it was safe. I looked up at her and she smiled and I wasn't even doing anything special . I wasn't singing , dancing or getting an award I was just in her arms and she smiled with love.

I adore my mommy and I want her to be proud of me.Yes I call her mommy. Your wondering why my mother is a fear of mine. Its because I am afraid of disappointing her and it is apart of every decision I make.There is something that just happens when I see her proud of me. The look in her eyes and the long speech after I do something she is proud of, filled with rhetoric of "All I want is for you to get this done so I don't have to worry about you or I just want you to do better than I did."
I have always been like this, seeking some type of approval from my mother, not because she demands anything from me but just this feeling of always wanting to please her. I am a mommas girl, it's nothing she can do wrong.
 My mother is an opinionated small petite of a woman;with a nurturing spirit and strength that could break down the walls of Jericho. A woman who has so much wisdom and never was afraid to share her story with my sister and I, even if it didn't paint her in a good picture. In my eyes she was perfect and knowing her struggle made me respect her even more and it manifested in a way that she didn't intend it to. I wanted to be the person to make her life easier and to not hurt her, break her heart, or disappoint her. I never cared about what people thought of me or my decisions, I really could care less what any of you think of me but my mommy... I care. It is nothing more heart breaking than hearing someone say they are disappointed in you ...

Making my mom proud became a goal of my mine at a very young age. I can't remember not feeling this way. I took on that burden proudly and every decision I made was based on her happiness because it made me happy to make her happy. My career, the college I went to had to meet her approval.

I naturally made mistakes but beat myself up or kept them from her.
As I got older it started to become harder because it was becoming clear that what I wanted to do and be wasn't as stable as my mother would prefer. I want to be a singer! Live life being creatively and I didn't really want to get my Masters. My mother said "do better than I did" OK I got my bachelors so that should make you happy. I also have two degrees that should please mommy right?

In trying to please my mother, I have regrets! I wasted my 20's not being wild and crazy like I should have been and instead playing it safe and being very conservative. I have been living in the pleasing my mom box that fear kept me trapped in. My wild and crazy phase is rearing it's head and I am ready to embark on that journey. I feel like Mariah Carey after she divorced Tommy Mottola and then she started wearing short dresses and hanging out with Diddy! haha My mother will wonder what the heck I am doing but she did a good job raising me so I won't go too far!

My mother will always love me and will not disown me;I have a fear of disappointing her, but I realize she will not always be pleased with every decision I make. My fear has caused me to not be honest with her and tell her half truths about things that might not be all together in my life. She thinks I am still in my Masters program . She is so proud. I did get accepted but I keep deferring my start date, I'm trying to figure out what to do. Its simple... the dreams that God has put in  my heart had nothing to do with me getting my Masters at this time. The other night she asked how my classes were going and I was about to tell her the truth but I couldn't because of the fear and that was the day that I finally realized that this was a paralyzing fear that was holding me back from an honest relationship between my mom and I , being honest on what I really wanted in my life and what I should put my energy into. 

So I took that first step by choosing not to go back to school... yet. That might not sound like the right decision to you but God has shown me what I am suppose to do and I need to be working on not disappointing God. God blessed me with an awesome example of a woman who I honor and respect with every bone in my body to raise me . Now at the age of 30 I realize that God is my guardian and pleasing him is what I want to do. He has blessed me with  gifts and talents and has stirred up these desires and passions and I will pursue them. My dreams are not as stable as previous generations in my family but moving forward I want our family to live out our wildest dreams. I remember my mom saying " I always wanted to be a background singer or a lawyer" She never became either and she would have been the best energetic background singer ever! lol Also she would have been the hardest lawyer to beat maybe would have represented Trayvon Martins family and got the verdict George Zimmermen deserved. Maybe she did what I did and lived up to her mothers expectations or even just the worlds expectations of a black woman in the 70's trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life.

In my journal I wrote this , kinda practicing what I would say to her...facing her straight in the eye and not at the floor or ceiling like she taught me...
Dear Mommy ,
In living out my wildest dreams I honor you. Trying new things, taking risks, and facing my fears... even you. I don't want to bring that wrinkle in your forehead, I wanna make you smile so much that your wrinkles come from that and not worry. The tears that well up in your eyes when you are trying to fight them back , and the crack in your voice when you are crying I can't be the reason for that. I live in fear of disappointing you and you have no idea! If you knew this you would encourage me to stop and live my life... I put this on myself and I have to release it. I have to stop living for your approval.God is my guardian now and I must be obedient to his will and his way or the legacy of living our wildest dreams will never start. I know you want whats best for me and want things done at a certain time but in it's time it will done. You will be proud and even if you are not I have to be OK with that.

Love your victorious child, 

                     Tamra  

What you burying in your life to appease others/society's expectations of you? What are you not pursuing because you care what someone thinks of your decision ? Leave your comments below !! Love , peace , and victory !

Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/alice_walker.html#L7HzhTs3A7yf6sQF.99

Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.

Alice Walker

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alicewalke133357.html#wcP1K8M0fZXkzCBg.99

2014 new year, new victories !

It's January 15th how are those resolutions going ?

I am so excited about the new year  and what it is going to surprise me with ! I really don't do new years resolutions it's not my thing. But one thing that I do is recognize what has worked for me and what hasn't and stop doing the things that hasn't worked. I take inventory and move forward with all the things that I do well and build on that. For example coming home and watching TV didn't work well for me. I would get sucked in and wasn't productive after getting home from work. So I took that habit and left it in 2013 and decided to have something productive planned to do when I get home. Writing this blog was definitely a great thing that I started in 2013. I want to keep it going and keep building on it.  a fire has been lit, a passion inside me to really live and to really push along this process of victory over fear living. My fears and inhabitations are what is keeping me from living out my God given destiny ! There 's so much more to conquer in this next year so this blog is going with me in 2014; building and taking this to another level so look out  my friends...more from this blog coming soon!

2014 is an unknown and I like it! We are blessed to make it to see this new year and have a chance to face and conquer our fears ! I don't know what  has gotten into me but I just want to go out  there and take on all the goliath's in my life.The more I am afraid of something the more I have to do it! I am getting to the point where I want what I want more then the fear.

Once you start facing these fears the more it becomes a habit then you look up and you are really living and not just standing on the sidelines watching everyone else. You are on your own journey and sometimes you have cheerleaders and sometimes you have haters but never mind the haters because having just one person who genuinely supports you is enough. I thank God for my supporters .I have best friends that pray for me and believe in me, I am blessed with a husband who is the biggest Tamra cheerleader of them all. So my advice to you my friends is call on your supporters not people who just come to your shows, events or football games but people who you confide in and they take those things from you and help you process them and encourage you along the way, helping you stand and not give up when you really want to. We can't forget the people who are putting opportunities in our path that allow us to continue and not stay stagnant in our Victory over Fear  journey. A lot of people have approached me to do things I am afraid of and have no idea I am afraid of it, they have been and continue to be a huge part of  my journey!


You can't take this victory over fear journey alone , you have got to confess , vent , be vulnerable and honest about it with the people you trust and then you start to see things change. I struggled and I am still struggling with being vulnerable but breaking down that wall and telling people my fears has helped me a lot. I have been blessed with a small group of loyal and encouraging friends. So when I conquer these fears I can't take all the credit. I did the work but they did it with me. I like to think of them as my angels, they are the good angel on my right side telling me "you can do it" when fear is on the other side telling me to "give up, to not even try it"

So one thing we should take into 2014 is our friends,family members and colleagues who know and see greater in us and push us to where we are destined to be. Don't let pride or ego keep you from being vulnerable enough to ask for help , to vent and say what you are afraid of. One important thing I'm taking with me in 2014 is my faith, my faith in God which I am building on daily . The bible says that " I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me " Philippians 4:13 One of my favorite scriptures which reminds me I can't do this on my own and I don't have to. These fears are so much more bearable when you can face them with the ones who love and support you.
I challenge you to think about what and who you want to take with you in 2014. Also think about your supporters and the people you feel comfortable opening up to. I think the first thing is to admit to yourself and others you trust that you have these fears and that they are holding you back from something great. Please feel free to put your comments below!


I just have to say thank you to the people who have encouraged me, prayed for me and believed in me more than I believed in myself at times. You know who you are. I am taking you with me into this new year and I am so blessed to have you ! I love you with all my heart. Now lets take 2014 and make it victorious !

Fearless?

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
― Nelson Mandela


Wow even the late great Nelson Mandela was talking about fear . Fear is a hot topic these days. I know everyone can relate because everyone has them . I hear people wanting to live a fearless life but I don't know, speaking for myself I don't think  I will ever be fearless. 

Fearless is defined as lack of fear  I have never desired lack of fear, I have desired to triumph over the fear to push past it instead of letting it control me and my growth. Is fear like being an alcoholic who never stops desiring to have a drink but takes it day by day?  I feel like everyday I have to chose between fear or victory just like the alcoholic chooses weather to drink or not. I am using my support system, God , meditation and just the desire to want more for my life to triumph over fear.

Humility... can humility exist without having fear ? I am so honored to be blessed with the gifts that God has trusted me with . I recognized my greatness at a very early age . I am thankful for fear in a way because it keeps my ego at bay . It always has me trusting in something bigger than myself and my gifts and talents because God gives me the direction to use them in the right way. I think fear keeps me humble in a strange way.

Fear shows that I care ... If I don't care about something  I am fearless . I care about the things that I have mentioned in my previous blogs such as vulnerability which enhances my quality of life, singing which has nothing to do with me wanting the spotlight, it has everything to do with me having so much passion for it. I  believe it is my calling not just something that I am good at but something that I NEED to do. Driving and facing the fear of me not wanting to fail I will triumph over these things because I care.

What I am trying to say is what Mandela is saying, it's not about the absence of fear it's the steps that you take to have victory over that fear.Those steps build so much character and humility and it shows you what you care about ; what you stand for. I don't want to be fearless I just don't want my fears to hold me back anymore from what is mine. As we conquer these fears don't be dismayed if you feel it again because like Nelson Mandela said “After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.”
 I just don't want anyone to get discouraged out there going after fearlessness. I might be afraid every time I get in that car to drive but I will get in that car.

I think of the fears that Nelson Mandela  had to face and they make my fears seem so small.  He was a man that I am sure was afraid many times maybe even died with some fears but  he leaves a legacy of  triumph and inspiration, I just hope I can do the same.

RIP Nelson Mandela  thank you for being an example of victory over fear.

Nothingness! HELP!!!

Failure to drive...

"...You have chosen to do nothing, so that none of the things you fear will come upon you; so your choices are not made by you but by your fear"

Nothingness? Is that a word? I will put "ness" on the end of words and make it a word. LOL Oh yes it is! Nothingness is defined as the quality or state of being nothing: as nonexistent ... that totally describes my journey with my goal to have my drivers license by my birthday; May 1, 2014.  I. have. done. nothing !! Why you ask ? Because I'm cradling in my comfort of fear.

It's so comfortable here, not my preference but comfortable, I can use the excuse of almost loosing both my parents in car accidents but I don't know if that's it anymore. I released this fear out into the universe for everyone to know and then I took it back and hid it again. I'm just not ready yet to let this fear go. I am terrified to drive but actually I think I am more terrified to fail ... Did you know I failed my road test three times? THREE TIMES! Failure is not something that I have experienced much I guess because I don't take enough risks. I like being safe and to me driving isn't safe. I could die right? BUT that's not really it either ... yup it's fear of failure.

This blog was suppose to go in another direction. See I don't know if I was being totally 100% real about why I was afraid to drive. You gotta be real with why you are afraid or you will be like me doing NOTHING! It's crazy because I am just realizing as I am writing this, that it's my fear of failure that is keeping me from taking the step to meet this goal that I have for myself. My friend dropped that in my ear when I was talking to her about me doing nothing and it didn't hit me until just now! So what should I do? How can I move past this? My mind is saying  "get over yourself and try again." What didn't you do before that caused you to fail? What are the lessons you can learn from those three driving test that you failed ? This is actually the hardest fear that I have faced so far. I feel frustrated with myself that I don't feel motivated enough to face this fear. I could go another 5 years and not drive but that's really not what I want for myself!

Their comes a time when you just gotta ask for help! So I'm asking for help! Please hold me accountable and encourage me through this journey! Part of me wants to stay safe and not do what I see as risky and part of me wants to conquer this fear! So help push the part of me that wants to overcome this! I realized that I can't do this on my own.

Victory over fear... a work in progress

On October 24th I will be having a show based on this blog called of course  "Victory Over Fear" It's an acoustic show with some great musicians and singers. I'm nervous!! This has been a crazy journey leading up to the show! I have had fear hit me every way possible!  Oh how fitting that a show called victory over fear would test my faith a million times!lol

Will I know all the words? Will people come out on a Thursday night ? How am I going to do this without Lauren?(Lauren usually plays the keyboard for me) I had to change musicians a couple of times, I have been having the hardest time remembering the words and everybody's schedule is so busy to rehearse ugh. This show has definitely been a struggle to get together. Is this show apart of  teaching me how to lose control and take me to the next level of conquering this fear? I almost wanted to cry leaving  rehearsal last night because of my fear of things not coming together. I'm going to take this fear and turn it into faith. I know everything will be alright in the end it always is...

My best friend told me today,"change your thinking and perspective and know that it will all work out"I have to trust that everything will be OK. Deuteronomy 31:6  says: Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. I know that it will all work out. I have been putting in the work and it will all come together. My intentions for this show is just like the intentions for this blog , to inspire and to put words to the movement of victory over fear out here. Daily fear and doubt, wants me to choose them , but I chose to work hard, trust in God and in myself that this show will do what the intention of the show is built upon. If I don't hit very note, and dang it I might even  forget a word but I hope to make everyone feel like they can do anything when they leave the show. I hope to see you at the show because a lot of blood,sweat,and tears went into this. I just hope to plant the seeds of freedom for everyone who is in the room that night and that maybe someone in the room will decide to start their journey of striving to have victory over fear.My pastor Pierre du Plessis said,"Either your faith will speak over your fear or your fear will silence your faith" I'm gonna let that faith speak !

Break Every Chain

I pace the floor, tarry, and pray before I publish each post. It takes me forever to post because then I'm held accountable, no excuses. I find every possible thing wrong with the post so I wont have to publish yet. I move like a snail writing it, meditating on every word. I talked to my best friends this morning telling them I hate this! BUT underneath all the nervousness and anxiety, for some strange reason, publicly sharing my most deepest fears is freeing for me. While I'm pacing the floor, tarrying, and praying, I'm releasing the strongholds that are binding me because this is just as much a spiritual fight as anything else. The Bible says, "Who the Son sets free is free indeed..." I believe that with every bone in my body.

Take a listen ...

Stuck at 8

“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

Meet fear # 3: Wait for it....Driving! Ahhh, felt so good to get that out!

This fear is so embarrassing, so I have to add humor to it to get me through this blog post! So I'm a 30 year old who doesn't know how to drive! That is a shame isn't it? A lot of people might not know, but I always had a love for old school classic cars. I get it from my father. He had these two classic cars when I was a kid that I was obsessed with! A 62 Chevy Impala and 72 Chevy Impala. He said that when my sister and I got older he was going to give us each one. I dreamed of being older and being able to drive the baby blue 62 Impala with my wild curly hair blowing in the wind! I would sneak in the car sometimes and sit in the driver's seat and pretend I was driving to somewhere fabulous, like Hollywood! I don't know what happened to those cars, I never asked either...

Crash!!! When I was 8 years old my mother got into a really bad car accident. She was hit by a school bus, no causalities thank God! What that accident did leave was my moms whole right side of her face cut open. It was like a horror movie. She had to get stitches and it was hard to see her like that. While the adults were trying to shield me from seeing her, I heard the grown ups talking at times and they were saying things like "The cut on her face looks horrible!" "If the glass cut her jugular vain she would have bled to death." I remember thinking  my mom could have died? Like my innate nature always does, instead of talking to anybody about it I would cry in my room and write in my journal.

I still have all my journals from when I was young. When I started writing this blog, I was looking for any entries I found one that I wrote about my moms accident: I feel so scared my mom could have died today. I will never drive! I'm going to live in New York City so I won't have to drive. I will never drive!  From that day on, I put in my mind that I was never going to drive. I didn't want to hurt anyone driving or get hurt myself. Years later, my Father was involved in a horrible accident where he almost died as well which solidified the 8 year old declaration that: "I WILL NEVER DRIVE!"

When I think about it, I'm following a pattern. This fear doesn't just stem from those accidents. When I look back, I remember hearing stories of women in my family who didn't drive. My grandmother who died in 2009 and was 79 years old never got her drivers license. My other grandmother was like 50 when she finally learned and is still a nervous wreck when she drives. My mother didn't drive until she was 27.  And if it wasn't a big urge in me to conquer this fear I would probably be okay without ever driving!

I'm an independent woman and I hate that I have to depend on people to get where I need to go. I rely on my husband, taxi man ,  bus man or my legs-man to get around or I just stay home! Sometimes, I wanna get up and jump in the car and go to Target with out asking anyone! This driving issue totally has made me dependent on others - if I can make rehearsals, how committed I can be to different projects, etc. My husband is so sweet, but how long will he have to live with my fear of driving? He has to chauffeur me everywhere! That would have been cool in 1962, but not these days. He is so patient and kind, but I'm sure my fear is becoming an inconvenience to him. He says to me sometimes, "I wish you could drive." I'm thinking like, "yeah me too!" As we see, our fears are not just a hindrance to just ourselves, it can affect the people around you . 

I use to have nightmares about driving down this busy street in my city and not having control of the car. The nightmares have ceased, but the fear is still there. It's a paralyzing fear that is going to be a huge struggle to overcome, but I will do the work. I am not free. I am stuck at 8 years old and I need to press play and grow up and declare something different.

Okay, so I will declare right now that I will drive and that I will have my drivers license before my 31st birthday, which is May 1, 2014! Oh no, what am I getting myself into?!?

In being stuck at 8, I failed to realize that my Mother and Father, who experienced near death car accidents, walked away from these accidents with visible scars, but they still to this day are driving. I wonder if they were fearful of driving again...if they were, they did it anyway. I should have taken that as a model. Even if I am afraid to do it, push through the fear. They both nearly lost their lives driving and they still are driving. I never thought about that when I was stuck at 8 and now that I am 30 I'm ready to do what it takes to drive, even if fear creeps in I'm going to do it...afraid.

Where are you stuck at in your life? Share your comments below!