Mommy Dearest

Meet Fear # 4 My Mommy 

 I remember being in her arms on her lap and never wanting to leave that place, it was safe. I looked up at her and she smiled and I wasn't even doing anything special . I wasn't singing , dancing or getting an award I was just in her arms and she smiled with love.

I adore my mommy and I want her to be proud of me.Yes I call her mommy. Your wondering why my mother is a fear of mine. Its because I am afraid of disappointing her and it is apart of every decision I make.There is something that just happens when I see her proud of me. The look in her eyes and the long speech after I do something she is proud of, filled with rhetoric of "All I want is for you to get this done so I don't have to worry about you or I just want you to do better than I did."
I have always been like this, seeking some type of approval from my mother, not because she demands anything from me but just this feeling of always wanting to please her. I am a mommas girl, it's nothing she can do wrong.
 My mother is an opinionated small petite of a woman;with a nurturing spirit and strength that could break down the walls of Jericho. A woman who has so much wisdom and never was afraid to share her story with my sister and I, even if it didn't paint her in a good picture. In my eyes she was perfect and knowing her struggle made me respect her even more and it manifested in a way that she didn't intend it to. I wanted to be the person to make her life easier and to not hurt her, break her heart, or disappoint her. I never cared about what people thought of me or my decisions, I really could care less what any of you think of me but my mommy... I care. It is nothing more heart breaking than hearing someone say they are disappointed in you ...

Making my mom proud became a goal of my mine at a very young age. I can't remember not feeling this way. I took on that burden proudly and every decision I made was based on her happiness because it made me happy to make her happy. My career, the college I went to had to meet her approval.

I naturally made mistakes but beat myself up or kept them from her.
As I got older it started to become harder because it was becoming clear that what I wanted to do and be wasn't as stable as my mother would prefer. I want to be a singer! Live life being creatively and I didn't really want to get my Masters. My mother said "do better than I did" OK I got my bachelors so that should make you happy. I also have two degrees that should please mommy right?

In trying to please my mother, I have regrets! I wasted my 20's not being wild and crazy like I should have been and instead playing it safe and being very conservative. I have been living in the pleasing my mom box that fear kept me trapped in. My wild and crazy phase is rearing it's head and I am ready to embark on that journey. I feel like Mariah Carey after she divorced Tommy Mottola and then she started wearing short dresses and hanging out with Diddy! haha My mother will wonder what the heck I am doing but she did a good job raising me so I won't go too far!

My mother will always love me and will not disown me;I have a fear of disappointing her, but I realize she will not always be pleased with every decision I make. My fear has caused me to not be honest with her and tell her half truths about things that might not be all together in my life. She thinks I am still in my Masters program . She is so proud. I did get accepted but I keep deferring my start date, I'm trying to figure out what to do. Its simple... the dreams that God has put in  my heart had nothing to do with me getting my Masters at this time. The other night she asked how my classes were going and I was about to tell her the truth but I couldn't because of the fear and that was the day that I finally realized that this was a paralyzing fear that was holding me back from an honest relationship between my mom and I , being honest on what I really wanted in my life and what I should put my energy into. 

So I took that first step by choosing not to go back to school... yet. That might not sound like the right decision to you but God has shown me what I am suppose to do and I need to be working on not disappointing God. God blessed me with an awesome example of a woman who I honor and respect with every bone in my body to raise me . Now at the age of 30 I realize that God is my guardian and pleasing him is what I want to do. He has blessed me with  gifts and talents and has stirred up these desires and passions and I will pursue them. My dreams are not as stable as previous generations in my family but moving forward I want our family to live out our wildest dreams. I remember my mom saying " I always wanted to be a background singer or a lawyer" She never became either and she would have been the best energetic background singer ever! lol Also she would have been the hardest lawyer to beat maybe would have represented Trayvon Martins family and got the verdict George Zimmermen deserved. Maybe she did what I did and lived up to her mothers expectations or even just the worlds expectations of a black woman in the 70's trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life.

In my journal I wrote this , kinda practicing what I would say to her...facing her straight in the eye and not at the floor or ceiling like she taught me...
Dear Mommy ,
In living out my wildest dreams I honor you. Trying new things, taking risks, and facing my fears... even you. I don't want to bring that wrinkle in your forehead, I wanna make you smile so much that your wrinkles come from that and not worry. The tears that well up in your eyes when you are trying to fight them back , and the crack in your voice when you are crying I can't be the reason for that. I live in fear of disappointing you and you have no idea! If you knew this you would encourage me to stop and live my life... I put this on myself and I have to release it. I have to stop living for your approval.God is my guardian now and I must be obedient to his will and his way or the legacy of living our wildest dreams will never start. I know you want whats best for me and want things done at a certain time but in it's time it will done. You will be proud and even if you are not I have to be OK with that.

Love your victorious child, 

                     Tamra  

What you burying in your life to appease others/society's expectations of you? What are you not pursuing because you care what someone thinks of your decision ? Leave your comments below !! Love , peace , and victory !

Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/alice_walker.html#L7HzhTs3A7yf6sQF.99

Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.

Alice Walker

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alicewalke133357.html#wcP1K8M0fZXkzCBg.99

Stuck at 8

“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

Meet fear # 3: Wait for it....Driving! Ahhh, felt so good to get that out!

This fear is so embarrassing, so I have to add humor to it to get me through this blog post! So I'm a 30 year old who doesn't know how to drive! That is a shame isn't it? A lot of people might not know, but I always had a love for old school classic cars. I get it from my father. He had these two classic cars when I was a kid that I was obsessed with! A 62 Chevy Impala and 72 Chevy Impala. He said that when my sister and I got older he was going to give us each one. I dreamed of being older and being able to drive the baby blue 62 Impala with my wild curly hair blowing in the wind! I would sneak in the car sometimes and sit in the driver's seat and pretend I was driving to somewhere fabulous, like Hollywood! I don't know what happened to those cars, I never asked either...

Crash!!! When I was 8 years old my mother got into a really bad car accident. She was hit by a school bus, no causalities thank God! What that accident did leave was my moms whole right side of her face cut open. It was like a horror movie. She had to get stitches and it was hard to see her like that. While the adults were trying to shield me from seeing her, I heard the grown ups talking at times and they were saying things like "The cut on her face looks horrible!" "If the glass cut her jugular vain she would have bled to death." I remember thinking  my mom could have died? Like my innate nature always does, instead of talking to anybody about it I would cry in my room and write in my journal.

I still have all my journals from when I was young. When I started writing this blog, I was looking for any entries I found one that I wrote about my moms accident: I feel so scared my mom could have died today. I will never drive! I'm going to live in New York City so I won't have to drive. I will never drive!  From that day on, I put in my mind that I was never going to drive. I didn't want to hurt anyone driving or get hurt myself. Years later, my Father was involved in a horrible accident where he almost died as well which solidified the 8 year old declaration that: "I WILL NEVER DRIVE!"

When I think about it, I'm following a pattern. This fear doesn't just stem from those accidents. When I look back, I remember hearing stories of women in my family who didn't drive. My grandmother who died in 2009 and was 79 years old never got her drivers license. My other grandmother was like 50 when she finally learned and is still a nervous wreck when she drives. My mother didn't drive until she was 27.  And if it wasn't a big urge in me to conquer this fear I would probably be okay without ever driving!

I'm an independent woman and I hate that I have to depend on people to get where I need to go. I rely on my husband, taxi man ,  bus man or my legs-man to get around or I just stay home! Sometimes, I wanna get up and jump in the car and go to Target with out asking anyone! This driving issue totally has made me dependent on others - if I can make rehearsals, how committed I can be to different projects, etc. My husband is so sweet, but how long will he have to live with my fear of driving? He has to chauffeur me everywhere! That would have been cool in 1962, but not these days. He is so patient and kind, but I'm sure my fear is becoming an inconvenience to him. He says to me sometimes, "I wish you could drive." I'm thinking like, "yeah me too!" As we see, our fears are not just a hindrance to just ourselves, it can affect the people around you . 

I use to have nightmares about driving down this busy street in my city and not having control of the car. The nightmares have ceased, but the fear is still there. It's a paralyzing fear that is going to be a huge struggle to overcome, but I will do the work. I am not free. I am stuck at 8 years old and I need to press play and grow up and declare something different.

Okay, so I will declare right now that I will drive and that I will have my drivers license before my 31st birthday, which is May 1, 2014! Oh no, what am I getting myself into?!?

In being stuck at 8, I failed to realize that my Mother and Father, who experienced near death car accidents, walked away from these accidents with visible scars, but they still to this day are driving. I wonder if they were fearful of driving again...if they were, they did it anyway. I should have taken that as a model. Even if I am afraid to do it, push through the fear. They both nearly lost their lives driving and they still are driving. I never thought about that when I was stuck at 8 and now that I am 30 I'm ready to do what it takes to drive, even if fear creeps in I'm going to do it...afraid.

Where are you stuck at in your life? Share your comments below!