"Oh Miss Celie I feels like singing!" - Shug Avery

I can not think of a time when I was fearless. I would say it was passed on to me in the womb ...

Meet Fear #1: Singing

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 

2 Timothy 1:7

I remember someone telling me before I went on stage that really stuck with me - "You don't look happy to sing." That's because fear is overpowering the passion and love that I have for music. Everyone says they love music, but I swear I love it more than everyone else! Music has always been a passion of mine. I grew up in a household where music was always playing and singing was always happening in the house. Spontaneous song and dance would happen and it has become apart of my favorite memories of growing up. I remember someone telling me how much they love to hear me sing and I told them, "Thank you, I was so scared up there." This lady looked at me like I had two heads, lol! Now, anyone who has ever heard or seen me sing is thinking, "She is afraid of singing? She sings all the time!" Yes I do, but you don't see and feel the panic that I go through before I sing. I become dizzy and faint and my hands are drenched in sweat. I physically feel sick and I basically have a panic attack! I felt I had to share this fear, because it might not be apparent from the outside looking in. People think I got it all together, but it really isn't all what it seems. See, I'm good at hiding my fears. Now it's time to expose them!

In early 2010, I started a band called Forward Movement. When I started this band, it opened up a can of worms! The start of this band came about with a simple question. I am a teacher and I was going around the classroom asking my students what their New Years resolutions were and as I was about to move on to our lesson, one of my students turned the question to me! I mentioned many things, but starting a band was one of them. All my students eyes lit up and one said "You're going to be famous!" I looked at him and I thought, I just wanna sing.

"I just wanna sing" kept ringing in my head after that day and as my innate nature would allow it, I just kept trying to push it away. But my students would ask me everyday, "Did you start your band yet?" Once you tell children something, they will not let you off the hook! So, in honor of the kiddies and in hopes for them to stop bugging me about it, I faced my fears and started recruiting members! So many thoughts were running through my head. "You can't sing that good.", "No one will come to your shows.", "What did I get myself into?"

So, I'm at the first rehearsal. It was the point of no return and everyone is looking excited and ready to do this thing! Little did they know that my heart was beating so hard and I felt faint and miserable. I had a speech written in my head that I was ending this before it even started. Some speech about not having enough time. But that would be a lie, I did have plenty of time, lol! I'm a horrible liar. So instead I just tried it out .

I knew in the back of my mind that I was doing this for a bigger reason, bigger than myself, bigger than my fears. I felt like this was a God idea and that he wanted me to start a band to release some things in me but to also provide positive music to a city that was lacking in so many ways. I believe there is life and death in the tongue and that anything that we were going to sing had to match with a positive message. So each week, we would meet for rehearsal and I would come prepared to end it. But in this case fear worked to my advantage, because now I was too scared to end it! Lol three years later we are still a band performing! I think that was the only resolution I kept that year in 2010. 

So it looks like I conquered that fear, right? Wrong!!!!!!! I'm still performing, going out there scared as heck. Every time I'm about to go out on that stage I feel faint and want to run the opposite way. It's a daily struggle, but with everything I do I ask the question, "Why am I doing this? What is the purpose?" The purpose becomes bigger than my fear. I push past the fear and realize that it isn't just about me. My voice has a bigger purpose than just singing in the shower. There are times I just want to give up because the fear is so intense: "What if I mess up? What if I forget these words? I hope I hit that note!" This fear distracts my mind from the purpose. I'm a miserable mess before a show. My band mates usually stay away from me because of course they don't want to be around that energy before they go out there.

I know singing is what I'm suppose to be doing. I know this in my head, but how do I just do it without being miserable? Even though I'm singing and performing, I still haven't reached my full potential because even when you do face a fear there are still layers, levels, and walls that you make or the world gives you to have to work through. So, overcoming this fear is still taking some work. I'm just finally starting to let go when I sing and release it right on stage. As I continue on this journey, I want to challenge myself to sing songs that are more complex. I'm taking myself out of the boxes I put myself into as a singer, being vulnerable enough to write my own songs and not  have them just caged in my journal but literally "release" them. I have so many songs in my heart and I just want to let it out! So, that's just what I'm going to do!

This past week I went to yoga and it was wonderful! The Mantra this week was "I AM OPEN." What that meant for me was to be open to challenging myself while facing this fear of singing. So I set up a time for me and a guitarist to go to the local Farmers Market and sing this Saturday, straight hippie style! I always wanted to do that! I will not let fear win and take over this calling that is on my life. I really am scared to do it, but I AM open to letting go. Just using the gifts that God has given me and letting it flow...

So, while I'm on stage under the lights it may seem glamorous, it may look like it's easy for me, but I'm fighting a battle...the battle to live out my calling and passion, which is singing...and I will win!


Check out Victory Over Fear every 
Sunday(www.victoryoverfearblogspot.com) to read about my progress and triumphs over fear! I want to hear about yours too ! :-)