Break Every Chain

I pace the floor, tarry, and pray before I publish each post. It takes me forever to post because then I'm held accountable, no excuses. I find every possible thing wrong with the post so I wont have to publish yet. I move like a snail writing it, meditating on every word. I talked to my best friends this morning telling them I hate this! BUT underneath all the nervousness and anxiety, for some strange reason, publicly sharing my most deepest fears is freeing for me. While I'm pacing the floor, tarrying, and praying, I'm releasing the strongholds that are binding me because this is just as much a spiritual fight as anything else. The Bible says, "Who the Son sets free is free indeed..." I believe that with every bone in my body.

Take a listen ...

Stuck at 8

“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

Meet fear # 3: Wait for it....Driving! Ahhh, felt so good to get that out!

This fear is so embarrassing, so I have to add humor to it to get me through this blog post! So I'm a 30 year old who doesn't know how to drive! That is a shame isn't it? A lot of people might not know, but I always had a love for old school classic cars. I get it from my father. He had these two classic cars when I was a kid that I was obsessed with! A 62 Chevy Impala and 72 Chevy Impala. He said that when my sister and I got older he was going to give us each one. I dreamed of being older and being able to drive the baby blue 62 Impala with my wild curly hair blowing in the wind! I would sneak in the car sometimes and sit in the driver's seat and pretend I was driving to somewhere fabulous, like Hollywood! I don't know what happened to those cars, I never asked either...

Crash!!! When I was 8 years old my mother got into a really bad car accident. She was hit by a school bus, no causalities thank God! What that accident did leave was my moms whole right side of her face cut open. It was like a horror movie. She had to get stitches and it was hard to see her like that. While the adults were trying to shield me from seeing her, I heard the grown ups talking at times and they were saying things like "The cut on her face looks horrible!" "If the glass cut her jugular vain she would have bled to death." I remember thinking  my mom could have died? Like my innate nature always does, instead of talking to anybody about it I would cry in my room and write in my journal.

I still have all my journals from when I was young. When I started writing this blog, I was looking for any entries I found one that I wrote about my moms accident: I feel so scared my mom could have died today. I will never drive! I'm going to live in New York City so I won't have to drive. I will never drive!  From that day on, I put in my mind that I was never going to drive. I didn't want to hurt anyone driving or get hurt myself. Years later, my Father was involved in a horrible accident where he almost died as well which solidified the 8 year old declaration that: "I WILL NEVER DRIVE!"

When I think about it, I'm following a pattern. This fear doesn't just stem from those accidents. When I look back, I remember hearing stories of women in my family who didn't drive. My grandmother who died in 2009 and was 79 years old never got her drivers license. My other grandmother was like 50 when she finally learned and is still a nervous wreck when she drives. My mother didn't drive until she was 27.  And if it wasn't a big urge in me to conquer this fear I would probably be okay without ever driving!

I'm an independent woman and I hate that I have to depend on people to get where I need to go. I rely on my husband, taxi man ,  bus man or my legs-man to get around or I just stay home! Sometimes, I wanna get up and jump in the car and go to Target with out asking anyone! This driving issue totally has made me dependent on others - if I can make rehearsals, how committed I can be to different projects, etc. My husband is so sweet, but how long will he have to live with my fear of driving? He has to chauffeur me everywhere! That would have been cool in 1962, but not these days. He is so patient and kind, but I'm sure my fear is becoming an inconvenience to him. He says to me sometimes, "I wish you could drive." I'm thinking like, "yeah me too!" As we see, our fears are not just a hindrance to just ourselves, it can affect the people around you . 

I use to have nightmares about driving down this busy street in my city and not having control of the car. The nightmares have ceased, but the fear is still there. It's a paralyzing fear that is going to be a huge struggle to overcome, but I will do the work. I am not free. I am stuck at 8 years old and I need to press play and grow up and declare something different.

Okay, so I will declare right now that I will drive and that I will have my drivers license before my 31st birthday, which is May 1, 2014! Oh no, what am I getting myself into?!?

In being stuck at 8, I failed to realize that my Mother and Father, who experienced near death car accidents, walked away from these accidents with visible scars, but they still to this day are driving. I wonder if they were fearful of driving again...if they were, they did it anyway. I should have taken that as a model. Even if I am afraid to do it, push through the fear. They both nearly lost their lives driving and they still are driving. I never thought about that when I was stuck at 8 and now that I am 30 I'm ready to do what it takes to drive, even if fear creeps in I'm going to do it...afraid.

Where are you stuck at in your life? Share your comments below!