Mommy Dearest

Meet Fear # 4 My Mommy 

 I remember being in her arms on her lap and never wanting to leave that place, it was safe. I looked up at her and she smiled and I wasn't even doing anything special . I wasn't singing , dancing or getting an award I was just in her arms and she smiled with love.

I adore my mommy and I want her to be proud of me.Yes I call her mommy. Your wondering why my mother is a fear of mine. Its because I am afraid of disappointing her and it is apart of every decision I make.There is something that just happens when I see her proud of me. The look in her eyes and the long speech after I do something she is proud of, filled with rhetoric of "All I want is for you to get this done so I don't have to worry about you or I just want you to do better than I did."
I have always been like this, seeking some type of approval from my mother, not because she demands anything from me but just this feeling of always wanting to please her. I am a mommas girl, it's nothing she can do wrong.
 My mother is an opinionated small petite of a woman;with a nurturing spirit and strength that could break down the walls of Jericho. A woman who has so much wisdom and never was afraid to share her story with my sister and I, even if it didn't paint her in a good picture. In my eyes she was perfect and knowing her struggle made me respect her even more and it manifested in a way that she didn't intend it to. I wanted to be the person to make her life easier and to not hurt her, break her heart, or disappoint her. I never cared about what people thought of me or my decisions, I really could care less what any of you think of me but my mommy... I care. It is nothing more heart breaking than hearing someone say they are disappointed in you ...

Making my mom proud became a goal of my mine at a very young age. I can't remember not feeling this way. I took on that burden proudly and every decision I made was based on her happiness because it made me happy to make her happy. My career, the college I went to had to meet her approval.

I naturally made mistakes but beat myself up or kept them from her.
As I got older it started to become harder because it was becoming clear that what I wanted to do and be wasn't as stable as my mother would prefer. I want to be a singer! Live life being creatively and I didn't really want to get my Masters. My mother said "do better than I did" OK I got my bachelors so that should make you happy. I also have two degrees that should please mommy right?

In trying to please my mother, I have regrets! I wasted my 20's not being wild and crazy like I should have been and instead playing it safe and being very conservative. I have been living in the pleasing my mom box that fear kept me trapped in. My wild and crazy phase is rearing it's head and I am ready to embark on that journey. I feel like Mariah Carey after she divorced Tommy Mottola and then she started wearing short dresses and hanging out with Diddy! haha My mother will wonder what the heck I am doing but she did a good job raising me so I won't go too far!

My mother will always love me and will not disown me;I have a fear of disappointing her, but I realize she will not always be pleased with every decision I make. My fear has caused me to not be honest with her and tell her half truths about things that might not be all together in my life. She thinks I am still in my Masters program . She is so proud. I did get accepted but I keep deferring my start date, I'm trying to figure out what to do. Its simple... the dreams that God has put in  my heart had nothing to do with me getting my Masters at this time. The other night she asked how my classes were going and I was about to tell her the truth but I couldn't because of the fear and that was the day that I finally realized that this was a paralyzing fear that was holding me back from an honest relationship between my mom and I , being honest on what I really wanted in my life and what I should put my energy into. 

So I took that first step by choosing not to go back to school... yet. That might not sound like the right decision to you but God has shown me what I am suppose to do and I need to be working on not disappointing God. God blessed me with an awesome example of a woman who I honor and respect with every bone in my body to raise me . Now at the age of 30 I realize that God is my guardian and pleasing him is what I want to do. He has blessed me with  gifts and talents and has stirred up these desires and passions and I will pursue them. My dreams are not as stable as previous generations in my family but moving forward I want our family to live out our wildest dreams. I remember my mom saying " I always wanted to be a background singer or a lawyer" She never became either and she would have been the best energetic background singer ever! lol Also she would have been the hardest lawyer to beat maybe would have represented Trayvon Martins family and got the verdict George Zimmermen deserved. Maybe she did what I did and lived up to her mothers expectations or even just the worlds expectations of a black woman in the 70's trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life.

In my journal I wrote this , kinda practicing what I would say to her...facing her straight in the eye and not at the floor or ceiling like she taught me...
Dear Mommy ,
In living out my wildest dreams I honor you. Trying new things, taking risks, and facing my fears... even you. I don't want to bring that wrinkle in your forehead, I wanna make you smile so much that your wrinkles come from that and not worry. The tears that well up in your eyes when you are trying to fight them back , and the crack in your voice when you are crying I can't be the reason for that. I live in fear of disappointing you and you have no idea! If you knew this you would encourage me to stop and live my life... I put this on myself and I have to release it. I have to stop living for your approval.God is my guardian now and I must be obedient to his will and his way or the legacy of living our wildest dreams will never start. I know you want whats best for me and want things done at a certain time but in it's time it will done. You will be proud and even if you are not I have to be OK with that.

Love your victorious child, 

                     Tamra  

What you burying in your life to appease others/society's expectations of you? What are you not pursuing because you care what someone thinks of your decision ? Leave your comments below !! Love , peace , and victory !

Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/alice_walker.html#L7HzhTs3A7yf6sQF.99

Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.

Alice Walker

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alicewalke133357.html#wcP1K8M0fZXkzCBg.99

2014 new year, new victories !

It's January 15th how are those resolutions going ?

I am so excited about the new year  and what it is going to surprise me with ! I really don't do new years resolutions it's not my thing. But one thing that I do is recognize what has worked for me and what hasn't and stop doing the things that hasn't worked. I take inventory and move forward with all the things that I do well and build on that. For example coming home and watching TV didn't work well for me. I would get sucked in and wasn't productive after getting home from work. So I took that habit and left it in 2013 and decided to have something productive planned to do when I get home. Writing this blog was definitely a great thing that I started in 2013. I want to keep it going and keep building on it.  a fire has been lit, a passion inside me to really live and to really push along this process of victory over fear living. My fears and inhabitations are what is keeping me from living out my God given destiny ! There 's so much more to conquer in this next year so this blog is going with me in 2014; building and taking this to another level so look out  my friends...more from this blog coming soon!

2014 is an unknown and I like it! We are blessed to make it to see this new year and have a chance to face and conquer our fears ! I don't know what  has gotten into me but I just want to go out  there and take on all the goliath's in my life.The more I am afraid of something the more I have to do it! I am getting to the point where I want what I want more then the fear.

Once you start facing these fears the more it becomes a habit then you look up and you are really living and not just standing on the sidelines watching everyone else. You are on your own journey and sometimes you have cheerleaders and sometimes you have haters but never mind the haters because having just one person who genuinely supports you is enough. I thank God for my supporters .I have best friends that pray for me and believe in me, I am blessed with a husband who is the biggest Tamra cheerleader of them all. So my advice to you my friends is call on your supporters not people who just come to your shows, events or football games but people who you confide in and they take those things from you and help you process them and encourage you along the way, helping you stand and not give up when you really want to. We can't forget the people who are putting opportunities in our path that allow us to continue and not stay stagnant in our Victory over Fear  journey. A lot of people have approached me to do things I am afraid of and have no idea I am afraid of it, they have been and continue to be a huge part of  my journey!


You can't take this victory over fear journey alone , you have got to confess , vent , be vulnerable and honest about it with the people you trust and then you start to see things change. I struggled and I am still struggling with being vulnerable but breaking down that wall and telling people my fears has helped me a lot. I have been blessed with a small group of loyal and encouraging friends. So when I conquer these fears I can't take all the credit. I did the work but they did it with me. I like to think of them as my angels, they are the good angel on my right side telling me "you can do it" when fear is on the other side telling me to "give up, to not even try it"

So one thing we should take into 2014 is our friends,family members and colleagues who know and see greater in us and push us to where we are destined to be. Don't let pride or ego keep you from being vulnerable enough to ask for help , to vent and say what you are afraid of. One important thing I'm taking with me in 2014 is my faith, my faith in God which I am building on daily . The bible says that " I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me " Philippians 4:13 One of my favorite scriptures which reminds me I can't do this on my own and I don't have to. These fears are so much more bearable when you can face them with the ones who love and support you.
I challenge you to think about what and who you want to take with you in 2014. Also think about your supporters and the people you feel comfortable opening up to. I think the first thing is to admit to yourself and others you trust that you have these fears and that they are holding you back from something great. Please feel free to put your comments below!


I just have to say thank you to the people who have encouraged me, prayed for me and believed in me more than I believed in myself at times. You know who you are. I am taking you with me into this new year and I am so blessed to have you ! I love you with all my heart. Now lets take 2014 and make it victorious !