Fearless?

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
― Nelson Mandela


Wow even the late great Nelson Mandela was talking about fear . Fear is a hot topic these days. I know everyone can relate because everyone has them . I hear people wanting to live a fearless life but I don't know, speaking for myself I don't think  I will ever be fearless. 

Fearless is defined as lack of fear  I have never desired lack of fear, I have desired to triumph over the fear to push past it instead of letting it control me and my growth. Is fear like being an alcoholic who never stops desiring to have a drink but takes it day by day?  I feel like everyday I have to chose between fear or victory just like the alcoholic chooses weather to drink or not. I am using my support system, God , meditation and just the desire to want more for my life to triumph over fear.

Humility... can humility exist without having fear ? I am so honored to be blessed with the gifts that God has trusted me with . I recognized my greatness at a very early age . I am thankful for fear in a way because it keeps my ego at bay . It always has me trusting in something bigger than myself and my gifts and talents because God gives me the direction to use them in the right way. I think fear keeps me humble in a strange way.

Fear shows that I care ... If I don't care about something  I am fearless . I care about the things that I have mentioned in my previous blogs such as vulnerability which enhances my quality of life, singing which has nothing to do with me wanting the spotlight, it has everything to do with me having so much passion for it. I  believe it is my calling not just something that I am good at but something that I NEED to do. Driving and facing the fear of me not wanting to fail I will triumph over these things because I care.

What I am trying to say is what Mandela is saying, it's not about the absence of fear it's the steps that you take to have victory over that fear.Those steps build so much character and humility and it shows you what you care about ; what you stand for. I don't want to be fearless I just don't want my fears to hold me back anymore from what is mine. As we conquer these fears don't be dismayed if you feel it again because like Nelson Mandela said “After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.”
 I just don't want anyone to get discouraged out there going after fearlessness. I might be afraid every time I get in that car to drive but I will get in that car.

I think of the fears that Nelson Mandela  had to face and they make my fears seem so small.  He was a man that I am sure was afraid many times maybe even died with some fears but  he leaves a legacy of  triumph and inspiration, I just hope I can do the same.

RIP Nelson Mandela  thank you for being an example of victory over fear.

Nothingness! HELP!!!

Failure to drive...

"...You have chosen to do nothing, so that none of the things you fear will come upon you; so your choices are not made by you but by your fear"

Nothingness? Is that a word? I will put "ness" on the end of words and make it a word. LOL Oh yes it is! Nothingness is defined as the quality or state of being nothing: as nonexistent ... that totally describes my journey with my goal to have my drivers license by my birthday; May 1, 2014.  I. have. done. nothing !! Why you ask ? Because I'm cradling in my comfort of fear.

It's so comfortable here, not my preference but comfortable, I can use the excuse of almost loosing both my parents in car accidents but I don't know if that's it anymore. I released this fear out into the universe for everyone to know and then I took it back and hid it again. I'm just not ready yet to let this fear go. I am terrified to drive but actually I think I am more terrified to fail ... Did you know I failed my road test three times? THREE TIMES! Failure is not something that I have experienced much I guess because I don't take enough risks. I like being safe and to me driving isn't safe. I could die right? BUT that's not really it either ... yup it's fear of failure.

This blog was suppose to go in another direction. See I don't know if I was being totally 100% real about why I was afraid to drive. You gotta be real with why you are afraid or you will be like me doing NOTHING! It's crazy because I am just realizing as I am writing this, that it's my fear of failure that is keeping me from taking the step to meet this goal that I have for myself. My friend dropped that in my ear when I was talking to her about me doing nothing and it didn't hit me until just now! So what should I do? How can I move past this? My mind is saying  "get over yourself and try again." What didn't you do before that caused you to fail? What are the lessons you can learn from those three driving test that you failed ? This is actually the hardest fear that I have faced so far. I feel frustrated with myself that I don't feel motivated enough to face this fear. I could go another 5 years and not drive but that's really not what I want for myself!

Their comes a time when you just gotta ask for help! So I'm asking for help! Please hold me accountable and encourage me through this journey! Part of me wants to stay safe and not do what I see as risky and part of me wants to conquer this fear! So help push the part of me that wants to overcome this! I realized that I can't do this on my own.

Victory over fear... a work in progress

On October 24th I will be having a show based on this blog called of course  "Victory Over Fear" It's an acoustic show with some great musicians and singers. I'm nervous!! This has been a crazy journey leading up to the show! I have had fear hit me every way possible!  Oh how fitting that a show called victory over fear would test my faith a million times!lol

Will I know all the words? Will people come out on a Thursday night ? How am I going to do this without Lauren?(Lauren usually plays the keyboard for me) I had to change musicians a couple of times, I have been having the hardest time remembering the words and everybody's schedule is so busy to rehearse ugh. This show has definitely been a struggle to get together. Is this show apart of  teaching me how to lose control and take me to the next level of conquering this fear? I almost wanted to cry leaving  rehearsal last night because of my fear of things not coming together. I'm going to take this fear and turn it into faith. I know everything will be alright in the end it always is...

My best friend told me today,"change your thinking and perspective and know that it will all work out"I have to trust that everything will be OK. Deuteronomy 31:6  says: Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. I know that it will all work out. I have been putting in the work and it will all come together. My intentions for this show is just like the intentions for this blog , to inspire and to put words to the movement of victory over fear out here. Daily fear and doubt, wants me to choose them , but I chose to work hard, trust in God and in myself that this show will do what the intention of the show is built upon. If I don't hit very note, and dang it I might even  forget a word but I hope to make everyone feel like they can do anything when they leave the show. I hope to see you at the show because a lot of blood,sweat,and tears went into this. I just hope to plant the seeds of freedom for everyone who is in the room that night and that maybe someone in the room will decide to start their journey of striving to have victory over fear.My pastor Pierre du Plessis said,"Either your faith will speak over your fear or your fear will silence your faith" I'm gonna let that faith speak !

Break Every Chain

I pace the floor, tarry, and pray before I publish each post. It takes me forever to post because then I'm held accountable, no excuses. I find every possible thing wrong with the post so I wont have to publish yet. I move like a snail writing it, meditating on every word. I talked to my best friends this morning telling them I hate this! BUT underneath all the nervousness and anxiety, for some strange reason, publicly sharing my most deepest fears is freeing for me. While I'm pacing the floor, tarrying, and praying, I'm releasing the strongholds that are binding me because this is just as much a spiritual fight as anything else. The Bible says, "Who the Son sets free is free indeed..." I believe that with every bone in my body.

Take a listen ...

Stuck at 8

“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

Meet fear # 3: Wait for it....Driving! Ahhh, felt so good to get that out!

This fear is so embarrassing, so I have to add humor to it to get me through this blog post! So I'm a 30 year old who doesn't know how to drive! That is a shame isn't it? A lot of people might not know, but I always had a love for old school classic cars. I get it from my father. He had these two classic cars when I was a kid that I was obsessed with! A 62 Chevy Impala and 72 Chevy Impala. He said that when my sister and I got older he was going to give us each one. I dreamed of being older and being able to drive the baby blue 62 Impala with my wild curly hair blowing in the wind! I would sneak in the car sometimes and sit in the driver's seat and pretend I was driving to somewhere fabulous, like Hollywood! I don't know what happened to those cars, I never asked either...

Crash!!! When I was 8 years old my mother got into a really bad car accident. She was hit by a school bus, no causalities thank God! What that accident did leave was my moms whole right side of her face cut open. It was like a horror movie. She had to get stitches and it was hard to see her like that. While the adults were trying to shield me from seeing her, I heard the grown ups talking at times and they were saying things like "The cut on her face looks horrible!" "If the glass cut her jugular vain she would have bled to death." I remember thinking  my mom could have died? Like my innate nature always does, instead of talking to anybody about it I would cry in my room and write in my journal.

I still have all my journals from when I was young. When I started writing this blog, I was looking for any entries I found one that I wrote about my moms accident: I feel so scared my mom could have died today. I will never drive! I'm going to live in New York City so I won't have to drive. I will never drive!  From that day on, I put in my mind that I was never going to drive. I didn't want to hurt anyone driving or get hurt myself. Years later, my Father was involved in a horrible accident where he almost died as well which solidified the 8 year old declaration that: "I WILL NEVER DRIVE!"

When I think about it, I'm following a pattern. This fear doesn't just stem from those accidents. When I look back, I remember hearing stories of women in my family who didn't drive. My grandmother who died in 2009 and was 79 years old never got her drivers license. My other grandmother was like 50 when she finally learned and is still a nervous wreck when she drives. My mother didn't drive until she was 27.  And if it wasn't a big urge in me to conquer this fear I would probably be okay without ever driving!

I'm an independent woman and I hate that I have to depend on people to get where I need to go. I rely on my husband, taxi man ,  bus man or my legs-man to get around or I just stay home! Sometimes, I wanna get up and jump in the car and go to Target with out asking anyone! This driving issue totally has made me dependent on others - if I can make rehearsals, how committed I can be to different projects, etc. My husband is so sweet, but how long will he have to live with my fear of driving? He has to chauffeur me everywhere! That would have been cool in 1962, but not these days. He is so patient and kind, but I'm sure my fear is becoming an inconvenience to him. He says to me sometimes, "I wish you could drive." I'm thinking like, "yeah me too!" As we see, our fears are not just a hindrance to just ourselves, it can affect the people around you . 

I use to have nightmares about driving down this busy street in my city and not having control of the car. The nightmares have ceased, but the fear is still there. It's a paralyzing fear that is going to be a huge struggle to overcome, but I will do the work. I am not free. I am stuck at 8 years old and I need to press play and grow up and declare something different.

Okay, so I will declare right now that I will drive and that I will have my drivers license before my 31st birthday, which is May 1, 2014! Oh no, what am I getting myself into?!?

In being stuck at 8, I failed to realize that my Mother and Father, who experienced near death car accidents, walked away from these accidents with visible scars, but they still to this day are driving. I wonder if they were fearful of driving again...if they were, they did it anyway. I should have taken that as a model. Even if I am afraid to do it, push through the fear. They both nearly lost their lives driving and they still are driving. I never thought about that when I was stuck at 8 and now that I am 30 I'm ready to do what it takes to drive, even if fear creeps in I'm going to do it...afraid.

Where are you stuck at in your life? Share your comments below!

A letter to my niece

Dear Selah,

My beautiful, amazing, and unique niece. I'm exposing myself for you. Your Grandma pulled me to the side one day and mentioned to me that you were taking on my fears and I vowed that day that I wouldn't let my fears rule my life anymore because you were watching me, hence one of the reasons for this blog. I cried  out to God to help me to walk in victory and to overcome the things that held me back which at the foundation was fear. He told me to write this blog to help free myself  and others. You look up to me and  I love you so much that I can't let you follow in my path of fears. I see it paralyzing you like it has done to me, NOOOOOO!

We all want better for the next generation. We raise them, we teach them the right way to go so that they can live the best life. I can tell you  "never give up","Selah, you can do it" but if  I'm  not modeling that to you they are just words. I wasn't living the life that I wanted to live because I let fear take over. When you were born I was 16. I named you and I promised myself that I would  be a great role model for you, a great representation of a woman to look up to. I wanted you to walk like me, talk like me, listen to the same music I listened to. I wanted to have a little mini me but in that I instilled my fears as well without even knowing it. You are my mini me, with my eyes, hair, and...my fears. That hurt me to see my fears come out in you at only 12 years old.

Our fears don't just affect us, it affects everything and everyone  around us, even generations after you are gone . I said to myself that I was going to leave a legacy of conquerors, the spirit of victory over fear in my bloodline. Generations and generations after won't even know where the fight inside them is coming from. Selah, I leave you a model representation of you seeing me actively pursuing the best me and facing the things that I fear. I leave you this blog. They say technology is always advancing but I hope your children's children will be able to read this. Maybe it will be a holograph then, but I pray this message of living a life that is full of freedom, love and openness that is never ceasing, lives in you and them as well. Don't let fear dim your light, art, voice, and the love that it is inside you .


I wrote this to let you know that people will hurt you, which will create walls. There will be things in life that look like giants to you, but you have a giant inside of you which is faith...faith in God and He is bigger than anything. Romans 8:37 says, "In all these things we are triumphantly victorious due to the One who loved us." I love you and wish you victory over fear. Selah*
                                                                                                  
                                                                    Love,
                                                                              Auntie  

  

*Selah is a Hebrew word meaning pause, reflection, within the context of a prayer or psalms and is similar in purpose to Amen in that it stresses the importance of the preceding passage. In this way Selah is thought to infer that one should pause and reflect on what has been said. 

                                                                             

Living behind a brick wall

Meet Fear #2:Vulnerability in relationships
"I'm not scared of lions, tigers and bears but I'm scared of loving you"- Jasmine Sullivan 

I'm finding it hard to even write this particular blog. Being vulnerable is very hard for me. Almost didn't write this and I was almost going to get rid of this blog. I was trying to avoid this one. I had an excuse and everything. But something inside keeps reminding me that this is what this blog is for....having victory over the things I'm a afraid of! I am battling right now. Can't even type this without tears...

We all start off as little kids trusting everyone. When you're a kid, you never imagine the world being so cold. You never imagine that people who say they love you will hurt you the most, manipulate you and smile in your face. You never imagine that you will be the one giving love, but only to get nothing in return. As the years have gone by and as I experience life, I thought I was getting over those hurts. I was smiling, I was happy, and ready to love! I didn't realize that I was building walls through  life's experiences and becoming bitter. No one was really able to get to my core, my heart of hearts. I created tests in my mind that people didn't know they were taking. I cut people off with no problem. You hurt me and YOU...ARE...OUTTA...HERE!! I think my parents play a part in my perspective as well. They were very social but didn't have any close friends. I remember crying to my father when I was a little girl because a "friend" was being mean to me and he said, "family are your friends, you don't need any friends." Didn't realize it then but maybe that was coming from a place of hurt and bitterness. I'm sure he had been hurt and that was him talking behind his walls. I remember almost giving that same advice to my 12 year old niece but stopped myself from planting the seed. I have been living with this wall for a couple of years now. I haven't wanted to love anyone new. I barely wanted to be vulnerable to the people I love. My husband became the only person I trusted. He somehow opened up my heart, and is very trustworthy. If you knew him you would trust him too! He is amazing! Loving him made me curious to what other love was out there for me.

As we all have, I experienced hurt from friends through the years and the final brick to complete the construction of my wall was laid down a couple of years ago. I met a young lady who seemed interested in building a friendship we became close and one day she just stop talking to me... just stopped talking to me. No explanation...nothing. I reached out to her and apologized for whatever I did but never heard from her again. I didn't know what I did to make her totally cut me off which really hurt me to the core. I felt like something was wrong with me. I was broken. I didn't know what I did. If I knew what I did then I could fix it and move on. So I have been carrying that for years not wanting to get close to anyone because I didn't know if I was going to do anything to make people run away like she did. So I closed up and have been keeping it surface with people. I don't say what I really feel anymore because I don't want to be misunderstood. Hey I had my best friend and my husband and forgot about everyone else because they were the only ones outside of family I trusted. That seems okay, but I know there is more to this life than living behind our walls, peeking over and talking to people, having dinner and going shopping over brick walls. Try hugging someone with a brick wall in front of you!

January 12, 2013 ...things began to open up for me, when  I heard an awesome preaching anointed young lady along with her best friend speaking at a young adult conference I went to. This young lady said, "there are some connections in your life where it is absolutely imperative for the fullness of who God has you to be to come forth. All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose  Romans 8:28, and when we are called according to his purpose their are some key relationships that the Lord has for us to make so who he has called us to be will spring up and for us to live  and be in the fullness of what he planned to be from the beginning." That statement started to chip at my wall. It resonated with me so much the fact that God has certain people who are destined to be in our lives to help us be who God created us to be. There are situations  in life that will distract you from the people who are destined to be in your life, to show you something greater, to be your biggest cheerleader, to pray for you when you are sick, to encourage you and let you know it's going to be alright and to add to your life...not just take away. How unfortunate would that be if I just lived behind my fear of vulnerability? I want to get out! I want to tear down these walls and let people on to the other side with me. Walls are safe but I don't wanna be safe! I wanna be wise, take risks as well. I want to choose my friends and the people I allow in my circle of trusted friends.

For so long I have been hiding behind this wall, afraid to get hurt! I will not let fear keep me from meaningful awesome relationships! I want to love hard and be open to it. I wanna tell everyone I love how much I love them, show them my weaknesses, but it's so much easier said than done!

My challenge is to start with the people I'm close to and tell them how much I appreciate and love them, to let them know the things I keep to myself. And I also want to be open and willing to be ready for whoever is meant to be in my life. I don't want to turn anyone away that is meant to be in my life for a season or a lifetime and if I get hurt in the process, as the great William Shakespeare  beautifully wrote :
 
“If you love and get hurt, love more. If you love more and hurt more, love even more. If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more...”

"Oh Miss Celie I feels like singing!" - Shug Avery

I can not think of a time when I was fearless. I would say it was passed on to me in the womb ...

Meet Fear #1: Singing

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 

2 Timothy 1:7

I remember someone telling me before I went on stage that really stuck with me - "You don't look happy to sing." That's because fear is overpowering the passion and love that I have for music. Everyone says they love music, but I swear I love it more than everyone else! Music has always been a passion of mine. I grew up in a household where music was always playing and singing was always happening in the house. Spontaneous song and dance would happen and it has become apart of my favorite memories of growing up. I remember someone telling me how much they love to hear me sing and I told them, "Thank you, I was so scared up there." This lady looked at me like I had two heads, lol! Now, anyone who has ever heard or seen me sing is thinking, "She is afraid of singing? She sings all the time!" Yes I do, but you don't see and feel the panic that I go through before I sing. I become dizzy and faint and my hands are drenched in sweat. I physically feel sick and I basically have a panic attack! I felt I had to share this fear, because it might not be apparent from the outside looking in. People think I got it all together, but it really isn't all what it seems. See, I'm good at hiding my fears. Now it's time to expose them!

In early 2010, I started a band called Forward Movement. When I started this band, it opened up a can of worms! The start of this band came about with a simple question. I am a teacher and I was going around the classroom asking my students what their New Years resolutions were and as I was about to move on to our lesson, one of my students turned the question to me! I mentioned many things, but starting a band was one of them. All my students eyes lit up and one said "You're going to be famous!" I looked at him and I thought, I just wanna sing.

"I just wanna sing" kept ringing in my head after that day and as my innate nature would allow it, I just kept trying to push it away. But my students would ask me everyday, "Did you start your band yet?" Once you tell children something, they will not let you off the hook! So, in honor of the kiddies and in hopes for them to stop bugging me about it, I faced my fears and started recruiting members! So many thoughts were running through my head. "You can't sing that good.", "No one will come to your shows.", "What did I get myself into?"

So, I'm at the first rehearsal. It was the point of no return and everyone is looking excited and ready to do this thing! Little did they know that my heart was beating so hard and I felt faint and miserable. I had a speech written in my head that I was ending this before it even started. Some speech about not having enough time. But that would be a lie, I did have plenty of time, lol! I'm a horrible liar. So instead I just tried it out .

I knew in the back of my mind that I was doing this for a bigger reason, bigger than myself, bigger than my fears. I felt like this was a God idea and that he wanted me to start a band to release some things in me but to also provide positive music to a city that was lacking in so many ways. I believe there is life and death in the tongue and that anything that we were going to sing had to match with a positive message. So each week, we would meet for rehearsal and I would come prepared to end it. But in this case fear worked to my advantage, because now I was too scared to end it! Lol three years later we are still a band performing! I think that was the only resolution I kept that year in 2010. 

So it looks like I conquered that fear, right? Wrong!!!!!!! I'm still performing, going out there scared as heck. Every time I'm about to go out on that stage I feel faint and want to run the opposite way. It's a daily struggle, but with everything I do I ask the question, "Why am I doing this? What is the purpose?" The purpose becomes bigger than my fear. I push past the fear and realize that it isn't just about me. My voice has a bigger purpose than just singing in the shower. There are times I just want to give up because the fear is so intense: "What if I mess up? What if I forget these words? I hope I hit that note!" This fear distracts my mind from the purpose. I'm a miserable mess before a show. My band mates usually stay away from me because of course they don't want to be around that energy before they go out there.

I know singing is what I'm suppose to be doing. I know this in my head, but how do I just do it without being miserable? Even though I'm singing and performing, I still haven't reached my full potential because even when you do face a fear there are still layers, levels, and walls that you make or the world gives you to have to work through. So, overcoming this fear is still taking some work. I'm just finally starting to let go when I sing and release it right on stage. As I continue on this journey, I want to challenge myself to sing songs that are more complex. I'm taking myself out of the boxes I put myself into as a singer, being vulnerable enough to write my own songs and not  have them just caged in my journal but literally "release" them. I have so many songs in my heart and I just want to let it out! So, that's just what I'm going to do!

This past week I went to yoga and it was wonderful! The Mantra this week was "I AM OPEN." What that meant for me was to be open to challenging myself while facing this fear of singing. So I set up a time for me and a guitarist to go to the local Farmers Market and sing this Saturday, straight hippie style! I always wanted to do that! I will not let fear win and take over this calling that is on my life. I really am scared to do it, but I AM open to letting go. Just using the gifts that God has given me and letting it flow...

So, while I'm on stage under the lights it may seem glamorous, it may look like it's easy for me, but I'm fighting a battle...the battle to live out my calling and passion, which is singing...and I will win!


Check out Victory Over Fear every 
Sunday(www.victoryoverfearblogspot.com) to read about my progress and triumphs over fear! I want to hear about yours too ! :-)

Let me introduce you to my fears...

 
 Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I know this fact, but how do I live this scripture? How can I put what I know into a lifestyle of victory over fear?  I have battled with anxiety and fear for most of my life. I have missed opportunities and ignored my gifts.  I wanted to write a weekly blog kind of like a journal to express my fears and combat my fears all at the same time. My mission is to inspire YOU by facing MY fears one by one and being vulnerable enough to expose them in an open forum, which is scary in itself . I want to write about something that everyone can relate to. In some way everyone has experienced fear and we all have our ways of dealing with those fears. This is my way to expose myself and my fears in order for others to do the same in their lives.


I grew up in a Pentecostal Church and we had testimony service every Friday night, which allowed people to expose their hard week, an illness or just something that they had overcome. Hearing others testify was encouraging and it truly was a blessing to see what God was doing in people's lives. One week they can't pay their light bill and the next week they testify how God blessed them with  a new job that pays so well that they can now pay their bills! I never would partake in testimony service, because I didn't want to let everyone know what I was going through or what I have overcome. When you keep things in, you have no one to support you, pray for you and you lose the opportunity to inspire which is such a huge part of testifying.

Well, now I want to testify....I  have been living a life of fear and I don't want to anymore! I'm tired of being afraid and I ask that you all keep me in prayer.

Some of my fears are funny and light and some are deeply rooted.

From the outside looking in, people look at me and think, "What does she have to be afraid of?"  Well, in this blog you will see that I really don't have anything to be afraid of and like Will Smith said in his recent film After Earth :

“Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But Fear is a choice.”

Well, I chose these fears, married them, made love to them, spooned and cuddled them, compromised because of them.  Fear tried to keep me secluded and mentally abused me. I argued a lot with fear and now I'm ready for a divorce. I don't want half of anything. I just want fear to leave me alone!  So I'm going on trial and stating my case to be totally free from fear. It will always be there, but I don't want to be married to it anymore. Of course, fear doesn't want a divorce, but it does not have a choice anymore. There comes a time when you get fed up, so I looked fear in the eye and said, "IT'S OVER!" It's a daily struggle. Fear is my comfort zone.


Each week I will face a fear and update you on my progress. I do this hoping to have you all hold me accountable. If you like, I can also hold you accountable and offer encouragement while on your journey of overcoming your fears...the fears that have kept us from living our best life and living out our God given destiny! I know there are other people like me. I'm putting it ALL out there, so ladies and gents let me introduce you to my fears... 


Check out Victory Over Fear every 
Sunday(www.victoryoverfearblogspot.com) to read about my progress and triumphs over fear! I want to hear about yours too ! :-)